Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize