she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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