my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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