I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
