I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
