It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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