last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
