Betty ford says i'm here all night
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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