i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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