I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
