He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
