rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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