I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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