Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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