can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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