I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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