my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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