Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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