He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
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