You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
