1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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