just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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