I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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