I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Your cock deserves a montage
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
