He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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