she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I need moral support for this bender
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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