nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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