So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
