im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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