never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
