help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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