Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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