Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
