my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
