Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
