apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
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His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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