Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
