after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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