Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
