why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
