my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
