when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
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I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
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Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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