i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
