oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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