Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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