I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
