so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
