I feel like abortions should bother me more
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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