Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
