Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
two words: eviction party
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
