Umm I'm too high to move.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
