i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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