I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
