god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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