the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
