After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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