yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
